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shinysylverTitle: Miles from Where You Are
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
shinysylver
Characters: Steve/Danny (also some Rachel/Danny)
Word Count: 7186
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own Hawaii Five-0.
Summary: Danny should be happy, after all, he has Rachel and Grace. So why are his nights spent taking care of a broken Steve?
Warning: some alcohol abuse and a scene that includes vomiting
Spoilers: none
Author's Note: This is a future AU that grabbed me and wouldn't let go. It has taken over my life for the past week and now it is finally ready to share. I need to thankforcellari who was an amazing Beta and is responsible for making this a much, much better story. I am of course the only one responsible for any mistakes.
“I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms”
~Set the Fire to the Third Bar~
Snow Patrol
The loud ringing of his cell phone jolted Danny out of a deep sleep. The generic ring tone filled him with a familiar weary dread. There was only one reason for a stranger to be calling his phone this late at night.
“Williams,” he said, picking it up on the third ring.
“You need to come get your partner,” said a rough voice on the other end.
“Where is he this time?” Danny asked, throwing back the sheet.
“The Dragon,” the other man said before hanging up.
Danny sighed and stumbled over to the chair where he had discarded last night’s pants.
“Daniel, this is getting ridiculous.” Rachel sat up from her side of the bed to watch. “How many nights are you going to spend taking care of that man?”
“As many as I have to,” Danny answered. “He’s my partner.”
“And I’m your wife. Maybe you should spend some of your precious little free time at home instead of enabling that drunk.”
Danny raised a hand to silence her. “Don’t. He’s my partner and he’s been through a lot. It’s not any of your business.”
He walked briskly out of the door, without waiting to hear her reply. He sighed as he left the house and got into the car. Rachel wasn’t wrong; Steve’s issues weren’t helping their relationship, but Danny just couldn’t turn his back on his partner, his friend. The fact that Rachel wanted him to made him angry. If she couldn’t understand this, support this, then did she really know him? Not for the first time he wondered if they had jumped too quickly back together after her divorce with Stan. He had been so eager to rebuild his family that he had forgotten all the reasons that they didn’t work in the first place.
Of course, Rachel didn’t know the whole story. If she knew that Steve’s issues were partially his fault, she would probably understand why he had to take the calls. But there was no point in trying to explain things to her because it would only hurt her and causing her pain wouldn’t help Steve. It might lose him his family for the second time. The only good thing to come out of this entire mess was that he got to see Grace every day and he didn’t want to lose the only thing that made his life bearable.
These days he knew the fastest routes to most of the bars in town. It didn’t take him long to make his way through the back streets of Honolulu to the small English pub located in a less touristy part of town. He quickly scanned the back parking area for Steve’s truck. He was relieved that it was still there and he pulled in next to it. Thankfully, Steve had managed to avoid any DUIs so far but Danny didn’t fool himself into thinking that he hadn’t driven when he shouldn’t. There were a few too many scrapes and dings on the front bumper of Steve’s truck that matched ones on the garage door at his house. Then there had been the time that Danny had swung by to pick Steve up for work and found the mailbox knocked over and the truck parked in the yard.
That had been a wake-up call for Danny, although unfortunately not for Steve. It was obvious to Danny that Steve’s drinking was getting out of hand, but no matter what he said Steve hadn’t listened. So, Danny started leaving his number at the bars around town. If he couldn’t make Steve see sense, he could at least try to keep him from killing someone.
He entered the dark and, despite the ban, smoky pub. The bartender saw him at the door and gestured toward a booth in the back. Danny could make out Steve slumped down with a half empty tankard in front of him. Danny stopped at the bar and dropped a ten on the counter.
“Thanks. How much tonight?”
“Just beer.” The bartender shrugged as he picked up the ten and crammed it in his pocket. “Not as bad as usual.”
Danny nodded and turned, weaving through the tables toward Steve. When he got to the booth Steve didn’t even look up so Danny slid into the seat opposite and watched him. He was almost unrecognizable as the Steve that Danny knew. His shoulders were slumped in defeat and his eyes were bloodshot and vacant. It broke Danny’s heart to see him like this, to know that Monday morning he would be at work pretending that everything was normal. Maybe it would be for a few days, but next weekend it would be the same story.
“Catherine’s getting married,” Steve said, still not looking at Danny. “Just like you did.”
Danny closed his eyes. “What did you expect? You broke it off with her nearly a year ago.”
“I wonder why?” Steve asked sarcastically.
Danny sighed. While he was relieved that Steve wasn’t too drunk for sarcasm, he didn’t appreciate being the target. He tried his best to ignore it, refusing to be drawn into the fight that Steve was trying to pick. Fighting with Steve had stopped being fun when they’d gained the ability to truly hurt each other. Unfortunately he lost the battle with himself and couldn’t resist asking, “How long are you going to use that as an excuse?”
“Not an excuse.” Steve mumbled. “Just the truth.”
“You’re right, it’s not an excuse,” Danny said, barely suppressing his irritation. He hated seeing Steve this way, hated seeing him so defeated. He hoped that maybe, this time, Steve wasn’t too drunk to listen to reason. “Do you know how pathetic this is? This is the third time this month that I’ve had to come get you.”
“Then don’t come.” Steve muttered, taking a deep drink from his tankard. “Why do you even bother?”
“You’re my partner.” Danny knew that it wasn’t enough but it was all that he could offer.
Steve’s only response was a bitter laugh that felt like a knife wound straight to Danny’s heart. The guilt he felt was enough to override his anger and he deflated. “We should get you home.”
Thankfully Steve didn’t argue. He rose unsteadily and began to make his way out of the bar. Danny followed behind him, occasionally reaching out to place a steadying hand on his elbow. At first Danny was surprised that Steve accepted the help, but he was starting to suspect that Steve more than welcomed the contact. That he was starved for touch. A more cynical man might think that the entire situation was Steve’s way of getting attention but Danny knew better.
Everything had started to go wrong when Steve had finally succeeded in apprehending Wo Fat. He had tried to begin a new life by rebuilding his family, trying to recreate what had been stolen from him so many years ago. His attempts to reconnect with Mary now that it was safe to do so had failed. It had hurt her to be sent away again and this time she had decided to make a new, permanent life on the mainland. She didn’t believe that things would be different, that she wouldn’t be sent away third time. The rejection had hurt Steve, but still he had persevered because he had had Danny.
Shortly after Mary’s rejection, they had begun exploring the complexities of their relationship and their undeniable attraction to one another. Danny wasn’t a stranger to the pain that a younger sibling could cause, so he had shown up at Steve’s one night with a six pack of beer and season two of CHiPs. It had taken them several days to get through the season--and the four seasons that followed took weeks. Weeks during which casual touches became caresses and eventually more. It had been a tentative, cautious process since neither of them had ever been with a man before. However shortly after their relationship turned physical, Rachel, having had enough of Stan’s long absences, divorced him.
Danny had been confused about his feelings for Steve. Perhaps confused wasn’t the right word. He had been scared. So many things could have gone wrong with their friendship and their partnership, let alone the fact that he had always considered himself straight. He didn’t know how to deal with everything so when Rachel came to him for help after the divorce he was eager to help. Whether he was helping around the house or just talking about Grace, his time with Rachel became a pleasant distraction. A distraction that quickly became a relationship again, and so he broke things off with Steve in favor of rebuilding his family with Rachel. He’d thought that Steve would understand his desire to have his family back, to have Grace every day. Instead it proved to be the last straw for Steve.
That was the moment when Steve’s life had begun to spiral. So much of his existence had been spent focused on the apprehension of first Victor Hesse and then Wo Fat that he had been left rudderless. His entire reason for being in Hawaii was to bring his father’s murderer to justice and then later he had begun the hunt for his mother’s as well. He had put so much of himself into the hunt that without it he was lost. Sometimes, Danny thought that the worst thing that could happen to a man was to achieve his goals. But it had been more complicated than that. Steve had been stripped of everyone and everything that he cared about, and without something to focus his hurt and anger, he'd turned it on himself. Looking back, Danny couldn’t believe how naïve he’d been. He’d been naïve about a lot of things. But there wasn’t much that he could do about it now.
When they reached Danny’s car, Steve stopped in front of the driver’s side. He turned around, leaned against the door, and looked at Danny. “Sorry.”
“For what?” Danny asked confused. Steve never apologized without prompting.
“For everything,” Steve slurred, swaying slightly. “I miss you.”
“You see me everyday.” Danny said lightly. “You don’t have time to miss me.”
Steve frowned and reached out to rest his hand lightly on Danny’s waist, slipping his fingers under the loose t-shirt to brush against skin. Danny tried to hide the way the simple touch sent a rush through his body but, even drunk, Steve noticed. Steve leaned down and pressed his lips to Danny’s before Danny could pull away.
The kiss was sloppy, uncoordinated, and Steve’s breath reeked of cheap beer, but it made Danny’s heart race. He couldn’t stop himself from kissing back, relishing the feel of rough stubble brushing against his chin. He hated himself for responding but no matter how hard he tried to bury his feelings and convince himself that he was happy with Rachel, one bad kiss with Steve was so much better than his best nights with her.
Danny finally pulled back, breathless, when Steve began to fumble with his belt. “We can’t.”
“But I love you.” Steve murmured, the hurt evident in his voice.
“I know.” Danny said quietly. “But I don’t love you.”
As soon as the words left his mouth, Danny knew they were a lie. He had hoped that vocalizing the words would make them true but it didn’t. And the worst part was seeing the effect they had on Steve. As soon as they left his lips, he saw Steve shut down. It was like he could see the last of the light being extinguished from his eyes. Steve turned away so that Danny couldn’t see his face and made his way wordlessly around the car to the passenger door.
The drive to Steve’s house was silent. Danny stared at his wedding ring as he tightly gripped the wheel. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Steve, afraid he would break down and tell him the truth. That he regretted everything and that he did love him, but he couldn’t. He had made a vow to Rachel and it would crush Grace to have her parents reconcile only to divorce again. He couldn’t do that to her. So instead he had hurt Steve again, maybe irreparably. Danny hated himself.
When he pulled into the driveway, he got out to make sure Steve made it to bed. But, Steve jerked away from his touch and slammed the door in his face.
**
Steve lay on his back watching the ceiling spin above him. It was making him nauseous but at the moment he didn’t care. Puking would be the fastest path to sobriety anyway and for the first time in months, he wanted to be sober because he needed a clear head to think.
He rolled over, lurched off the bed, and stumbled toward the bathroom. He dropped to his knees in front of the toilet and crammed his fingers as far back into his throat as he could. He didn’t have much of a gag reflex, but since he was already nauseous, it worked. He quickly withdrew his hand and leaned over the bowl emptying the contents of his stomach. Several minutes later he flushed the toilet, sat back and rested his sweaty forehead against the cool edge of the bathtub. He still felt like shit but the world wasn’t spinning anymore and he could almost focus his thoughts.
All this time, he had thought that Danny would come around. When Danny had broken things off with him to date Rachel, it had hurt but he had thought that Danny was just scared. It hadn’t been easy for Steve to come to terms with the fact that he was in love with another man and he had thought that Danny was struggling with the same realization. He had been sure that Danny felt the same way he did but then instead of breaking up with Rachel, he had married her. Even still, Steve had thought that he and Danny had something. He’d thought that their relationship was important, that it meant something. Until tonight.
Steve banged his head softly against the edge of the tub. What was he doing? Why was he clinging to something that didn’t exist? Was he really that pathetic? He loved Danny, he loved him so much that it hurt but Danny didn’t feel the same. Danny saw him as a friend and a partner. That was all.
The way he had acted tonight was embarrassing. He had desperately thrown himself at a married man. It had to stop. It all had to stop. It was becoming increasingly obvious that there was nothing left for him in Hawaii. He had come back to catch his father’s murderer and he had accomplished that. Maybe it was time to move on.
Steve braced his hands against the tub and heaved himself to his feet. He moved over to the sink to rinse his mouth out. When he had managed to clear most of the sour taste, he leaned over to splash the cool water on his face. The cold managed to jolt him further into sobriety and afterwards he looked up and gazed in the mirror. It had been a while since he had really looked at himself and he didn’t like what he saw. His cheeks were hollow, his skin pasty white, and there were dark circles under his bloodshot eyes. How had he let things get this far? He hated the emptiness that he saw in his own eyes. He couldn’t stand to even look at himself. No wonder Danny didn’t love him.
Turning away, he walked back into the bedroom. He opened the closet and stared at the uniform tucked away in the back. He hadn’t worn it since Meka’s funeral, so long ago. He had been completely different then. He had known who he was and what he wanted in life. Now he was an aimless man, a weak man who couldn’t even make it through a weekend alone in his empty house without going out for a drink to take the edge off.
The last time he had been this lost, he had managed to find himself in the Navy. He had been grieving the loss of his mother and had been angry at his father for sending him away. He hadn’t known what he wanted out of life but the Navy had given him structure and focus. And he had been a good sailor and a good SEAL. He was good at covert operations; he liked breaking codes and tracking criminals. He liked the hunt. It made him feel like he had a purpose. He had thrived in the high intensity environment, growing into a leader and more importantly into a man that he liked.
Maybe it was time to transfer out of the reserves and reenter active duty.
**
Danny was apprehensive Monday morning. He knew that Saturday night had irrevocably changed things between him and Steve. It wasn’t something that would be forgotten when sober like all of the other drunken nights. He hated himself for hurting Steve, but he also hated Steve for the kiss, the kiss that had driven home just how empty his marriage was.
He had almost called in sick, but Danny Williams refused to be a coward. So instead, he went in to work even earlier than usual and started making his way through the stack of paperwork on his desk. After several hours had passed with only the occasional glimpse of Steve through the window, Danny began to relax. He had almost forgotten why he should be nervous, when right before lunch, his office door opened and he looked up to find Steve standing in the threshold.
“We need to talk,” Steve said in a detached voice as he entered the room and closed the door behind him.
“Okay,” Danny said, the nervous knot reforming in the pit of his stomach.
“I’m re-enlisting to active duty,” Steve said abruptly.
“What?” Danny asked in shock. He stood up and walked around his desk.
Steve shrugged. “We caught Hesse and Wo Fat. I avenged my parents. That’s why I was here.”
“But what about the Five-0?” Danny asked, trying to squash down the panic building in his chest.
“You’re more than capable of leading.” Steve replied with a smile that didn’t even come close to his eyes. “And just think, you won’t have to worry about shark cages or grenades anymore.”
“Damn it!” Danny exclaimed, his panic turning to anger. “I don’t care about that stuff. How can you just go off and leave? They’ll send you to Afghanistan! You could die.”
“I could die here too,” Steve pointed out with a shrug. He dropped the fake smile and fixed Danny with an intense stare. “Let’s be honest, I’m a mess. You know it and I know it. I can’t keep living the way I am. Besides, there’s nothing left for me here. The Navy is home, it’s where I belong.”
Danny wanted to punch something. He wanted to scream that Steve did belong here, that he belonged with him, but he couldn’t. The words stuck in his throat. So instead he asked, “When?”
“Wednesday. I’ve already given notice. The Governor wasn’t happy about it but she agreed.” Steve turned to leave but paused at the door and whispered, “I meant what I said last night. I am sorry to have been such a burden.”
Left alone, Danny sunk into his chair and buried his head in his hands. He didn’t know how he made it through the rest of the day. He was numb, going about his work on autopilot. He didn’t remember the drive home, or what he did when he got there. All he was aware of was the suffocating feeling in his chest and the empty ache in his heart. He had thought that he would always have Steve in his life, even if only as a friend. He’d never imagined that he would leave. A part of him was glad that Steve was taking control of his life, but the rest of him was aching at the thought of life without Steve.
“Is something wrong, Daniel?” Rachel asked, briefly rousing him from his thoughts.
“What? Oh…no I’m fine,” he said quietly.
“If you were fine you wouldn’t have spent the last five minutes staring into space instead of eating your steak,” she pointed out mildly.
“Where’s Grace?” He looked around, surprised to find himself at the dinner table.
Rachel frowned. “She’s staying at a friend’s tonight. We were supposed to have a nice night together. It was your idea.”
“Right,” he said absently, staring at the untouched food on his plate. He vaguely remembered suggesting this last week, before everything happened.
“That’s enough.” Rachel sighed, setting down her silverware and fixing him with an intent stare. “I have had enough of this. You haven’t been here for days. You’ve completely checked out.”
“It’s just work—“ He said automatically. Work was always his fall back excuse but this time Rachel wasn’t buying it.
“Don’t give me that tired excuse.” Rachel snapped. “Do you know how long its been since we’ve spent an evening together? Since we’ve talked? Do you even have any idea how long it’s been since we had sex?”
Danny blinked. He wasn’t sure where this was coming from but as he thought about it, he was surprised to realize that he couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept with Rachel.
“Here’s a hint,” she said her voice icy. “I can count the number of times this year on one hand. And it’s June.”
Danny frowned. “I’m sorry, there’s just a lot going on—“
“There’s always a lot going on, Daniel.” She pursed her lips. “Would you care to share any of it with your wife?”
“Steve’s leaving,” he blurted out, too exhausted to come up with an excuse, too tired of lying to everyone, including himself.
She rolled her eyes. “Hopefully for a stint in rehab.”
“You don’t know anything,” he growled, defensively. “He’s reenlisting in the fucking Navy. He’s probably going to be sent to war. He might never come back.”
Rachel stilled and cocked her head. She looked at him carefully, as though she was suddenly realizing something, something that should have been obvious all along. “Daniel, are you aware that whenever I mention Steve, you defend him? And with more emotion than you give to anything else.”
Danny didn’t answer. He knew it was true.
“And you always drop everything to go to him,” she continued quietly. “Before we remarried, I had thought that maybe he had feelings for you but I hadn’t realized that you returned them.”
Danny opened his mouth to deny it but he couldn’t. “I’ve been faithful.”
“Oh Danny, I don’t doubt that.” Rachel said softly. “But you do have feelings for him?”
“Yes,” he answered in a whisper.
“Do you love him?” She asked.
He could see the pain in her eyes but he also saw sympathy. It was the sympathy that made him answer. “Yes.”
“So why are we here?” She asked waving her hand to encompass the two of them and the house.
“I wanted my family back.” Danny said. He paused for a moment before continuing. “And I was scared.”
“And now?” Rachel asked gently.
“I don’t know, Rachel.” Danny said rubbing tiredly at his temples. “It’s all a mess. I don’t want Grace to go through another divorce.”
“And I don’t want her growing up with miserable parents in a loveless marriage.” Rachel said bluntly. “We’re her example for happiness and I won’t have that.”
“So you want a divorce.” Danny said dully. He felt like the ground was dropping out from under him. First Steve was leaving and now he was losing Grace again. “I don’t want to lose Grace.”
“This marriage isn’t working.” Rachel pointed out. “And it never will if you’re in love with someone else...if you’re gay.”
There it was, the word. Gay. Was he gay? He was in love with a man. Did that make him gay? Did the difference between being gay or bisexual really matter if the person he wanted to be with was a man? This was why he’d panicked before. He’d spent his whole life seeking the perfect family, trying to make his parents proud, and his relationship with Steve had completely thrown him off balance. He loved Rachel, he knew that, but he was starting to realize that he had never been in love with her. He had been in love with the idea of her, the idea of a perfect marriage with a perfect family and so it was no wonder that it had fallen apart. Twice.
“It doesn’t have to be like last time.” Rachel said softly when he didn’t respond. “She’s older now. Maybe we can work out a different custody arrangement. Give you more time.”
“You would do that?” Danny asked in surprise.
“I don’t want to take her from you.” Rachel said shaking her head. “I never did, not really. I was just scared and angry.”
“Thank you.” Danny reached out to take Rachel’s hand in his.
She squeezed his hand before pulling back. “Now, you should go find Steve.”
“What?” Danny asked confused. Was his wife really pushing him toward another man?
“If you love that man, if being with him would make you happy, you owe it to yourself, and Grace, to make it work.” Rachel said. “Or are you really that big of a coward, Detective Williams?”
“I’m not any kind of coward.” Danny said standing up. “But are you sure about this?”
“It all kind of makes sense.” Rachel nodded. “I just wish you hadn’t waited a year to tell me.”
“I am sorry to put you through this.” Danny said sincerely before turning to leave the house. Hopefully there was still time to stop Steve from leaving.
The drive to Steve’s house was the longest twenty minutes of his life. It was all that he could do not to hit the lights and put on the sirens. Somehow he didn’t think that, no matter how liberally they applied it, immunity and means was intended to cover that. But despite how eager he was to see Steve, to make things right, a large part of him was tempted to make a u-turn, go home, and tell Rachel that he was wrong. It had all been a horrible mistake. But he knew that he had to do it, that he would never forgive himself if he didn’t. When he finally reached Steve’s house, Danny’s stomach was twisted with nerves. It had been a long time since he’d had butterflies and now it seemed like he had a whole garden full of them taking up residence. He was afraid that it was too late. That he’d waited too long to make things okay. But he had to try.
He didn’t bother knocking as he entered the house. “Steve?”
“In the office.” Steve called.
As he made his way through the house, Danny passed an overstuffed duffel bag laying next to the staircase. The sight of the bag made his heart clench and he picked up his pace.
“What is it?” Steve was standing behind his desk when Danny reached the doorway.
Danny paused to stare at Steve. He looked better than Danny had seen him in months. He seemed alert and focused, and most importantly, his shoulders didn’t slump anymore. He looked almost like Steve again. The last thing that Danny wanted to do was hurt him again, but it was too late to back out. He had to tell Steve the truth, he couldn’t let him leave thinking that he didn’t love him.
“I lied,” Danny blurted, entering the room. “About everything.”
“What do you mean?” Steve asked his brow wrinkling in confusion.
“I do love you.” Danny said, beginning to pace in front of the desk. “So much that it scares me.”
Steve clenched his fists and lowered his eyes. “What about Rachel? And Grace?”
“We’re divorcing again.” Danny said, walking around to stand next to Steve.
“But they’re your family.” Steve said quietly.
“Yes.” Danny agreed, reaching out to place his hand over Steve’s clenched fist. “But so are you.”
Steve finally looked at Danny with haunted eyes. “I can’t keep doing this.”
“This is it.” Danny said with conviction. “I know what I want. I want you. I love you.”
Steve relaxed his hand, allowing Danny to twine their fingers together. “You know how I feel about you, but I still can’t do this.”
“Sure you can.” Danny said, fighting down the developing panic. “Just don’t re-enlist and we’ll figure things out.”
Steve shook his head. “No, I have to go. I’ve already made plans.”
“So unmake them.” Danny said, his voice rising.
“You know it’s not that simple.” Steve said sadly. “I wouldn’t pull out even if I could. There are a lot of things that I need to fix about myself.”
“So fix them here.” Danny said. “I still have the number for that therapist.”
“Danny, the Navy is who I am. I found myself there once and I will again.”
Danny wanted to argue, to yell and rant. He wanted to make Steve stay but he couldn’t. Not when he knew that Steve was right. If they tried to start a relationship right now it wouldn’t work for either of them. Steve needed to find himself and Danny would be going through a divorce. Grace would need all of his attention for a while.
“I’ll wait for you.” Danny said quietly.
“It’ll be a year.” Steve said. “That’s a long time.”
“I’ll wait.” Danny repeated firmly. “This time I’m not going anywhere.”
“Okay.” Steve said, but Danny could tell that he didn’t really believe it. It didn’t matter though because Danny would show him. Danny cupped the back of Steve’s head with his free hand and brought their foreheads together.
“You’ll see. I’ll be here.” He whispered before brushing his lips against Steve’s.
It started as a chaste kiss, was meant to be a chaste kiss, but Steve was like a starving man. He dropped Danny’s hand and wrapped his arms around Danny’s waist pulling him close. Danny moaned at the contact and pulled at Steve’s shirt. He wanted more, needed to feel Steve’s skin against his own.
Steve stepped back for long enough to take off his shirt and throw it to the side before recapturing Danny’s lips with his own. Danny trailed his hands up and down Steve’s back enjoying the feel of the smooth skin underneath his fingers. He wanted to explore every inch of Steve’s skin but was quickly distracted by Steve’s leg pressing between his, brushing against his growing erection. The touch was almost more than Danny could stand and at the same time it wasn’t enough.
He moaned and pressed forward desperate for more contact. Steve obliged him, moving his leg back and forth against Danny’s straining erection. In the process, Danny felt Steve’s own hard length pressed against his hip and he lost what little control he had left. He quickly unzipped Steve’s pants and pushed them and his boxers down over his hips in one smooth motion. Steve’s cock sprung free and he grabbed it in a tight grip. Danny rubbed his thumb over the tip, spreading the glistening precome down the length as he began to stroke.
Steve leaned forward to rest his head against Danny’s shoulder, his face pressed against Danny’s neck. With each sure stroke of Danny’s hand, Steve let out a gasp, nearly whimpering at the pleasure. After a few minutes, Danny felt Steve’s hips begin to thrust forward to match his strokes and he knew that it wouldn’t be long. Danny decided to change it up and twisted his hand which caused Steve to go rigid and bite down hard on his neck as streams of hot, sticky come spurted out all over Danny’s hand and shirt.
Danny winced at the bite, but kept stroking gently until Steve went limp and relaxed in his arms. He held Steve for a moment before stepping back and grabbing a tissue from the desk to clean up. He raised his hand to his neck, relieved that there was no blood, and fixed Steve with a frown. “You didn’t have to bite.”
“Sorry.” Steve said a bit sheepishly. “How can I make it up to you?”
Danny laughed at the look on Steve’s face. “I’m sure you’ll find a way, Babe.”
“Did I ever tell you I don’t have a gag reflex?” Steve asked, his eyes twinkling mischievously.
Danny swallowed hard as Steve slowly slid to his knees in front of him and began to unfasten his pants. “Just try not to bite this time, huh?”
Steve grinned up at him before swallowing Danny’s entire cock in one motion, causing all thoughts to leave his brain.
**
Every minute that Steve spent under a bush in some godforsaken corner of Afghanistan he wondered if he had done the right thing. He wondered if maybe he should have stayed in Hawaii with Danny instead of signing up for long nights with little sleep, tracking high ranking members of Al Qaeda and the Taliban. But even though he wished he could go home, he didn’t regret his decision. As much as he loved Danny he refused to build a life where that was the only thing that gave him worth. Here, with the SEALs, leading his team, he found meaning again. He regained a sense of self-worth that he had been lacking for a long time. And thankfully, after nearly a year he felt like he could transfer that self-worth back into a civilian life.
The past year had flown by. He was used to the military life and it kept him busy. He knew that it had been harder on Danny, that the family waiting at home always had it harder than the soldier. There was always the fear that their loved one wouldn’t come home, of not knowing where they were or what they were doing. So Steve had tried his best to stay in contact with Danny. Whenever his missions took him through a base he would email or call, relishing each moment that he could hear Danny’s voice. He loved hearing Danny lecture him about being careful, because it meant that Danny really did care.
Steve could close his eyes and block out everything around him as he listened to Danny nag him about wearing dry socks or complain about how Kono had picked up all of his bad habits and would he believe that she had dangled a man off a roof just last week. Steve didn’t really care what Danny said as long as he could hear his voice. In his mind’s eye he could see him gesturing emphatically as he spoke, all of Danny’s mannerisms as familiar to him as his own. And because he knew Danny so well, he heard what he wasn’t saying. No matter what the words were, his tone said, “I miss you.”
He hated to admit it now, but when he first left all those months ago he thought that Danny wouldn’t wait. After everything that had happened, he didn’t believe that Danny’s declaration of love was real. He half expected to receive a Dear John letter partway through his tour, explaining that Danny had found someone else, or even worse that he had reconciled with Rachel, but that never happened. In fact, Danny had taken their undefined relationship a step further this time and told not only Rachel and Grace, but also Chin and Kono about it. He’d even told his sisters, although he said that he wasn’t ready to come out to his parents yet. Apparently Danny had been going through his own period of self discovery this year as well.
And now, the year was almost over. He was out of combat and all he had left to do was a series of debriefings at the base in Japan, as well as spend some time preparing his replacement. It was only a matter of weeks before he would be home and finally able to start his new life.
**
Danny’s foot was jiggling uncontrollably as he sat in the hard plastic seat at baggage claim. It had been one year and two weeks since he had last seen Steve. Three hundred and seventy-nine days since he had last touched him. Unfortunately, Steve’s flight from Japan had been delayed twice and he was starting to regret turning down Rachel’s offer to come along.
It was amazing how far he and Rachel had come in a year. The divorce had been smooth this time. There had been no major disagreements which meant there had been no need for lawyers. They had filed the paperwork at the courthouse, paid a couple hundred dollars, and moved on. It had been hard on Grace at first, but when she saw that her parents weren’t fighting this time, she had adjusted fairly well.
Danny had moved out, back into a cheap apartment, and Rachel kept the house. Their new custody agreement let him have Grace every weekend but he got to see her even more than that because somehow he and Rachel had become friends. Not friends who were in love with each other or exes who managed to get along, but close friends who leaned on each other and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. Several months after the divorce, Rachel had told him that if she had realized that he was gay years ago, it would have helped explain a lot of things. She would have been able to deal with the dissolution of their first marriage a lot more maturely. Of course, Danny had pointed out that it had taken him a long time to acknowledge that he was gay, and during their first marriage he had been nowhere near that realization. Even all these years later, it had taken a long time to realize that it was more than just an attraction to Steve and that he had been living in a lot of denial for a long time.
He glanced up at the screen and was relieved to find that there hadn’t been another delay. He didn’t know how much longer he could wait. A year had been miserable enough, but these last few days waiting for Steve to finish tying up loose ends in Japan had been excruciating. Even still, Danny knew he was lucky, because the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell had finally been implemented which meant that he and Steve had managed to stay in touch through emails and the occasional phone call. He didn’t think that he could have survived the separation if Steve had had to avoid all contact with him.
Steve’s emails were a lifeline; without them Danny would have panicked. Steve couldn’t tell him about his missions or where he was but just getting the emails meant that he was alive. The phone calls were even better. Danny would close his eyes and for a few minutes at least he could pretend that Steve was in the room with him. Steve always sounded tired and he could tell that the service was putting a strain on him. He knew that there would be new nightmares and new issues to work through when he got home, but Danny could also tell that he was becoming more himself. He was the confident, focused man with the dry sense of humor that Danny had first met, before he had spiraled down into depression. And despite how hard the past year had been, Danny would do it all over because it had made Steve whole again.
Danny was so lost in thought that he nearly missed the arrival announcement. When he noticed people coming through the gate, he stood up and tried to look over the gathered crowd. It was times like this that he hated being short. He moved around to the front and finally, finally, saw Steve. He was standing near the baggage claim, his eyes roving the crowd. He stood straight, his shoulders squared and his head held high. And he looked sharp, his uniform still starched to perfection even after the long flight. Danny stood in shock for a moment, mesmerized. He had a brief flashback to the first time he’d seen Steve in uniform at Kono’s graduation and then again at Meka’s funeral. Both times he hadn’t been able to look away and this time was no different.
“Danny!” Steve called, having caught sight of him.
Hearing Steve’s voice broke him out of his thoughts. He rushed forward and grabbed Steve roughly, pulling him into a tight embrace, glad to finally be touching him, needing to know he was real. Steve returned the embrace holding him close for a moment before pulling back just enough to capture Danny’s lips with his own. The kiss was gentle, both of them aware they were in public, but it was a promise of more to come.
After a moment they broke apart and just stared at each other. Danny’s eyes roved over every inch of Steve, trying to make sure that he was all there, that he hadn’t been hurt.
“I’m fine.” Steve said with a smile when he realized what Danny was doing.
“Fine, huh?” Danny said. “I remember you said that once after being stabbed in the side.”
“I was fine.” Steve protested. “Barely a scratch.”
“A scratch!” Danny exclaimed, throwing his hands up in disgust. “It nicked your spleen.”
“The spleen is an overrated organ.” Steve said with a shrug as he started to walk toward the exit. “You can live without it.”
“I don’t care if you can live without it.” Danny argued, pointing his finger at Steve accusingly. “God put it there for a reason and you should take better care of it.”
Steve laughed and reached out with his hand to capture the one that Danny was pointing in his face. He pulled it down between them and held it clasped in his. “I didn’t get stabbed or shot. I was careful.”
Danny was momentarily distracted by the feel of Steve’s hand, large and warm enveloping his own. He turned his hand to entwine their fingers together and stared at their joined hands before turning back to look at Steve. “That’s a first.”
“I’m always careful.” Steve said in mock offense.
Danny opened his mouth to respond, intending to continue the playful banter, but he changed his mind. “I’m glad you’re home.”
“Me too.” Steve said as they walked out of the airport hand in hand, finally ready to face the world together.
Author:
shinysylverCharacters: Steve/Danny (also some Rachel/Danny)
Word Count: 7186
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own Hawaii Five-0.
Summary: Danny should be happy, after all, he has Rachel and Grace. So why are his nights spent taking care of a broken Steve?
Warning: some alcohol abuse and a scene that includes vomiting
Spoilers: none
Author's Note: This is a future AU that grabbed me and wouldn't let go. It has taken over my life for the past week and now it is finally ready to share. I need to thank
forcellari who was an amazing Beta and is responsible for making this a much, much better story. I am of course the only one responsible for any mistakes. I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms”
~Set the Fire to the Third Bar~
Snow Patrol
The loud ringing of his cell phone jolted Danny out of a deep sleep. The generic ring tone filled him with a familiar weary dread. There was only one reason for a stranger to be calling his phone this late at night.
“Williams,” he said, picking it up on the third ring.
“You need to come get your partner,” said a rough voice on the other end.
“Where is he this time?” Danny asked, throwing back the sheet.
“The Dragon,” the other man said before hanging up.
Danny sighed and stumbled over to the chair where he had discarded last night’s pants.
“Daniel, this is getting ridiculous.” Rachel sat up from her side of the bed to watch. “How many nights are you going to spend taking care of that man?”
“As many as I have to,” Danny answered. “He’s my partner.”
“And I’m your wife. Maybe you should spend some of your precious little free time at home instead of enabling that drunk.”
Danny raised a hand to silence her. “Don’t. He’s my partner and he’s been through a lot. It’s not any of your business.”
He walked briskly out of the door, without waiting to hear her reply. He sighed as he left the house and got into the car. Rachel wasn’t wrong; Steve’s issues weren’t helping their relationship, but Danny just couldn’t turn his back on his partner, his friend. The fact that Rachel wanted him to made him angry. If she couldn’t understand this, support this, then did she really know him? Not for the first time he wondered if they had jumped too quickly back together after her divorce with Stan. He had been so eager to rebuild his family that he had forgotten all the reasons that they didn’t work in the first place.
Of course, Rachel didn’t know the whole story. If she knew that Steve’s issues were partially his fault, she would probably understand why he had to take the calls. But there was no point in trying to explain things to her because it would only hurt her and causing her pain wouldn’t help Steve. It might lose him his family for the second time. The only good thing to come out of this entire mess was that he got to see Grace every day and he didn’t want to lose the only thing that made his life bearable.
These days he knew the fastest routes to most of the bars in town. It didn’t take him long to make his way through the back streets of Honolulu to the small English pub located in a less touristy part of town. He quickly scanned the back parking area for Steve’s truck. He was relieved that it was still there and he pulled in next to it. Thankfully, Steve had managed to avoid any DUIs so far but Danny didn’t fool himself into thinking that he hadn’t driven when he shouldn’t. There were a few too many scrapes and dings on the front bumper of Steve’s truck that matched ones on the garage door at his house. Then there had been the time that Danny had swung by to pick Steve up for work and found the mailbox knocked over and the truck parked in the yard.
That had been a wake-up call for Danny, although unfortunately not for Steve. It was obvious to Danny that Steve’s drinking was getting out of hand, but no matter what he said Steve hadn’t listened. So, Danny started leaving his number at the bars around town. If he couldn’t make Steve see sense, he could at least try to keep him from killing someone.
He entered the dark and, despite the ban, smoky pub. The bartender saw him at the door and gestured toward a booth in the back. Danny could make out Steve slumped down with a half empty tankard in front of him. Danny stopped at the bar and dropped a ten on the counter.
“Thanks. How much tonight?”
“Just beer.” The bartender shrugged as he picked up the ten and crammed it in his pocket. “Not as bad as usual.”
Danny nodded and turned, weaving through the tables toward Steve. When he got to the booth Steve didn’t even look up so Danny slid into the seat opposite and watched him. He was almost unrecognizable as the Steve that Danny knew. His shoulders were slumped in defeat and his eyes were bloodshot and vacant. It broke Danny’s heart to see him like this, to know that Monday morning he would be at work pretending that everything was normal. Maybe it would be for a few days, but next weekend it would be the same story.
“Catherine’s getting married,” Steve said, still not looking at Danny. “Just like you did.”
Danny closed his eyes. “What did you expect? You broke it off with her nearly a year ago.”
“I wonder why?” Steve asked sarcastically.
Danny sighed. While he was relieved that Steve wasn’t too drunk for sarcasm, he didn’t appreciate being the target. He tried his best to ignore it, refusing to be drawn into the fight that Steve was trying to pick. Fighting with Steve had stopped being fun when they’d gained the ability to truly hurt each other. Unfortunately he lost the battle with himself and couldn’t resist asking, “How long are you going to use that as an excuse?”
“Not an excuse.” Steve mumbled. “Just the truth.”
“You’re right, it’s not an excuse,” Danny said, barely suppressing his irritation. He hated seeing Steve this way, hated seeing him so defeated. He hoped that maybe, this time, Steve wasn’t too drunk to listen to reason. “Do you know how pathetic this is? This is the third time this month that I’ve had to come get you.”
“Then don’t come.” Steve muttered, taking a deep drink from his tankard. “Why do you even bother?”
“You’re my partner.” Danny knew that it wasn’t enough but it was all that he could offer.
Steve’s only response was a bitter laugh that felt like a knife wound straight to Danny’s heart. The guilt he felt was enough to override his anger and he deflated. “We should get you home.”
Thankfully Steve didn’t argue. He rose unsteadily and began to make his way out of the bar. Danny followed behind him, occasionally reaching out to place a steadying hand on his elbow. At first Danny was surprised that Steve accepted the help, but he was starting to suspect that Steve more than welcomed the contact. That he was starved for touch. A more cynical man might think that the entire situation was Steve’s way of getting attention but Danny knew better.
Everything had started to go wrong when Steve had finally succeeded in apprehending Wo Fat. He had tried to begin a new life by rebuilding his family, trying to recreate what had been stolen from him so many years ago. His attempts to reconnect with Mary now that it was safe to do so had failed. It had hurt her to be sent away again and this time she had decided to make a new, permanent life on the mainland. She didn’t believe that things would be different, that she wouldn’t be sent away third time. The rejection had hurt Steve, but still he had persevered because he had had Danny.
Shortly after Mary’s rejection, they had begun exploring the complexities of their relationship and their undeniable attraction to one another. Danny wasn’t a stranger to the pain that a younger sibling could cause, so he had shown up at Steve’s one night with a six pack of beer and season two of CHiPs. It had taken them several days to get through the season--and the four seasons that followed took weeks. Weeks during which casual touches became caresses and eventually more. It had been a tentative, cautious process since neither of them had ever been with a man before. However shortly after their relationship turned physical, Rachel, having had enough of Stan’s long absences, divorced him.
Danny had been confused about his feelings for Steve. Perhaps confused wasn’t the right word. He had been scared. So many things could have gone wrong with their friendship and their partnership, let alone the fact that he had always considered himself straight. He didn’t know how to deal with everything so when Rachel came to him for help after the divorce he was eager to help. Whether he was helping around the house or just talking about Grace, his time with Rachel became a pleasant distraction. A distraction that quickly became a relationship again, and so he broke things off with Steve in favor of rebuilding his family with Rachel. He’d thought that Steve would understand his desire to have his family back, to have Grace every day. Instead it proved to be the last straw for Steve.
That was the moment when Steve’s life had begun to spiral. So much of his existence had been spent focused on the apprehension of first Victor Hesse and then Wo Fat that he had been left rudderless. His entire reason for being in Hawaii was to bring his father’s murderer to justice and then later he had begun the hunt for his mother’s as well. He had put so much of himself into the hunt that without it he was lost. Sometimes, Danny thought that the worst thing that could happen to a man was to achieve his goals. But it had been more complicated than that. Steve had been stripped of everyone and everything that he cared about, and without something to focus his hurt and anger, he'd turned it on himself. Looking back, Danny couldn’t believe how naïve he’d been. He’d been naïve about a lot of things. But there wasn’t much that he could do about it now.
When they reached Danny’s car, Steve stopped in front of the driver’s side. He turned around, leaned against the door, and looked at Danny. “Sorry.”
“For what?” Danny asked confused. Steve never apologized without prompting.
“For everything,” Steve slurred, swaying slightly. “I miss you.”
“You see me everyday.” Danny said lightly. “You don’t have time to miss me.”
Steve frowned and reached out to rest his hand lightly on Danny’s waist, slipping his fingers under the loose t-shirt to brush against skin. Danny tried to hide the way the simple touch sent a rush through his body but, even drunk, Steve noticed. Steve leaned down and pressed his lips to Danny’s before Danny could pull away.
The kiss was sloppy, uncoordinated, and Steve’s breath reeked of cheap beer, but it made Danny’s heart race. He couldn’t stop himself from kissing back, relishing the feel of rough stubble brushing against his chin. He hated himself for responding but no matter how hard he tried to bury his feelings and convince himself that he was happy with Rachel, one bad kiss with Steve was so much better than his best nights with her.
Danny finally pulled back, breathless, when Steve began to fumble with his belt. “We can’t.”
“But I love you.” Steve murmured, the hurt evident in his voice.
“I know.” Danny said quietly. “But I don’t love you.”
As soon as the words left his mouth, Danny knew they were a lie. He had hoped that vocalizing the words would make them true but it didn’t. And the worst part was seeing the effect they had on Steve. As soon as they left his lips, he saw Steve shut down. It was like he could see the last of the light being extinguished from his eyes. Steve turned away so that Danny couldn’t see his face and made his way wordlessly around the car to the passenger door.
The drive to Steve’s house was silent. Danny stared at his wedding ring as he tightly gripped the wheel. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Steve, afraid he would break down and tell him the truth. That he regretted everything and that he did love him, but he couldn’t. He had made a vow to Rachel and it would crush Grace to have her parents reconcile only to divorce again. He couldn’t do that to her. So instead he had hurt Steve again, maybe irreparably. Danny hated himself.
When he pulled into the driveway, he got out to make sure Steve made it to bed. But, Steve jerked away from his touch and slammed the door in his face.
**
Steve lay on his back watching the ceiling spin above him. It was making him nauseous but at the moment he didn’t care. Puking would be the fastest path to sobriety anyway and for the first time in months, he wanted to be sober because he needed a clear head to think.
He rolled over, lurched off the bed, and stumbled toward the bathroom. He dropped to his knees in front of the toilet and crammed his fingers as far back into his throat as he could. He didn’t have much of a gag reflex, but since he was already nauseous, it worked. He quickly withdrew his hand and leaned over the bowl emptying the contents of his stomach. Several minutes later he flushed the toilet, sat back and rested his sweaty forehead against the cool edge of the bathtub. He still felt like shit but the world wasn’t spinning anymore and he could almost focus his thoughts.
All this time, he had thought that Danny would come around. When Danny had broken things off with him to date Rachel, it had hurt but he had thought that Danny was just scared. It hadn’t been easy for Steve to come to terms with the fact that he was in love with another man and he had thought that Danny was struggling with the same realization. He had been sure that Danny felt the same way he did but then instead of breaking up with Rachel, he had married her. Even still, Steve had thought that he and Danny had something. He’d thought that their relationship was important, that it meant something. Until tonight.
Steve banged his head softly against the edge of the tub. What was he doing? Why was he clinging to something that didn’t exist? Was he really that pathetic? He loved Danny, he loved him so much that it hurt but Danny didn’t feel the same. Danny saw him as a friend and a partner. That was all.
The way he had acted tonight was embarrassing. He had desperately thrown himself at a married man. It had to stop. It all had to stop. It was becoming increasingly obvious that there was nothing left for him in Hawaii. He had come back to catch his father’s murderer and he had accomplished that. Maybe it was time to move on.
Steve braced his hands against the tub and heaved himself to his feet. He moved over to the sink to rinse his mouth out. When he had managed to clear most of the sour taste, he leaned over to splash the cool water on his face. The cold managed to jolt him further into sobriety and afterwards he looked up and gazed in the mirror. It had been a while since he had really looked at himself and he didn’t like what he saw. His cheeks were hollow, his skin pasty white, and there were dark circles under his bloodshot eyes. How had he let things get this far? He hated the emptiness that he saw in his own eyes. He couldn’t stand to even look at himself. No wonder Danny didn’t love him.
Turning away, he walked back into the bedroom. He opened the closet and stared at the uniform tucked away in the back. He hadn’t worn it since Meka’s funeral, so long ago. He had been completely different then. He had known who he was and what he wanted in life. Now he was an aimless man, a weak man who couldn’t even make it through a weekend alone in his empty house without going out for a drink to take the edge off.
The last time he had been this lost, he had managed to find himself in the Navy. He had been grieving the loss of his mother and had been angry at his father for sending him away. He hadn’t known what he wanted out of life but the Navy had given him structure and focus. And he had been a good sailor and a good SEAL. He was good at covert operations; he liked breaking codes and tracking criminals. He liked the hunt. It made him feel like he had a purpose. He had thrived in the high intensity environment, growing into a leader and more importantly into a man that he liked.
Maybe it was time to transfer out of the reserves and reenter active duty.
**
Danny was apprehensive Monday morning. He knew that Saturday night had irrevocably changed things between him and Steve. It wasn’t something that would be forgotten when sober like all of the other drunken nights. He hated himself for hurting Steve, but he also hated Steve for the kiss, the kiss that had driven home just how empty his marriage was.
He had almost called in sick, but Danny Williams refused to be a coward. So instead, he went in to work even earlier than usual and started making his way through the stack of paperwork on his desk. After several hours had passed with only the occasional glimpse of Steve through the window, Danny began to relax. He had almost forgotten why he should be nervous, when right before lunch, his office door opened and he looked up to find Steve standing in the threshold.
“We need to talk,” Steve said in a detached voice as he entered the room and closed the door behind him.
“Okay,” Danny said, the nervous knot reforming in the pit of his stomach.
“I’m re-enlisting to active duty,” Steve said abruptly.
“What?” Danny asked in shock. He stood up and walked around his desk.
Steve shrugged. “We caught Hesse and Wo Fat. I avenged my parents. That’s why I was here.”
“But what about the Five-0?” Danny asked, trying to squash down the panic building in his chest.
“You’re more than capable of leading.” Steve replied with a smile that didn’t even come close to his eyes. “And just think, you won’t have to worry about shark cages or grenades anymore.”
“Damn it!” Danny exclaimed, his panic turning to anger. “I don’t care about that stuff. How can you just go off and leave? They’ll send you to Afghanistan! You could die.”
“I could die here too,” Steve pointed out with a shrug. He dropped the fake smile and fixed Danny with an intense stare. “Let’s be honest, I’m a mess. You know it and I know it. I can’t keep living the way I am. Besides, there’s nothing left for me here. The Navy is home, it’s where I belong.”
Danny wanted to punch something. He wanted to scream that Steve did belong here, that he belonged with him, but he couldn’t. The words stuck in his throat. So instead he asked, “When?”
“Wednesday. I’ve already given notice. The Governor wasn’t happy about it but she agreed.” Steve turned to leave but paused at the door and whispered, “I meant what I said last night. I am sorry to have been such a burden.”
Left alone, Danny sunk into his chair and buried his head in his hands. He didn’t know how he made it through the rest of the day. He was numb, going about his work on autopilot. He didn’t remember the drive home, or what he did when he got there. All he was aware of was the suffocating feeling in his chest and the empty ache in his heart. He had thought that he would always have Steve in his life, even if only as a friend. He’d never imagined that he would leave. A part of him was glad that Steve was taking control of his life, but the rest of him was aching at the thought of life without Steve.
“Is something wrong, Daniel?” Rachel asked, briefly rousing him from his thoughts.
“What? Oh…no I’m fine,” he said quietly.
“If you were fine you wouldn’t have spent the last five minutes staring into space instead of eating your steak,” she pointed out mildly.
“Where’s Grace?” He looked around, surprised to find himself at the dinner table.
Rachel frowned. “She’s staying at a friend’s tonight. We were supposed to have a nice night together. It was your idea.”
“Right,” he said absently, staring at the untouched food on his plate. He vaguely remembered suggesting this last week, before everything happened.
“That’s enough.” Rachel sighed, setting down her silverware and fixing him with an intent stare. “I have had enough of this. You haven’t been here for days. You’ve completely checked out.”
“It’s just work—“ He said automatically. Work was always his fall back excuse but this time Rachel wasn’t buying it.
“Don’t give me that tired excuse.” Rachel snapped. “Do you know how long its been since we’ve spent an evening together? Since we’ve talked? Do you even have any idea how long it’s been since we had sex?”
Danny blinked. He wasn’t sure where this was coming from but as he thought about it, he was surprised to realize that he couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept with Rachel.
“Here’s a hint,” she said her voice icy. “I can count the number of times this year on one hand. And it’s June.”
Danny frowned. “I’m sorry, there’s just a lot going on—“
“There’s always a lot going on, Daniel.” She pursed her lips. “Would you care to share any of it with your wife?”
“Steve’s leaving,” he blurted out, too exhausted to come up with an excuse, too tired of lying to everyone, including himself.
She rolled her eyes. “Hopefully for a stint in rehab.”
“You don’t know anything,” he growled, defensively. “He’s reenlisting in the fucking Navy. He’s probably going to be sent to war. He might never come back.”
Rachel stilled and cocked her head. She looked at him carefully, as though she was suddenly realizing something, something that should have been obvious all along. “Daniel, are you aware that whenever I mention Steve, you defend him? And with more emotion than you give to anything else.”
Danny didn’t answer. He knew it was true.
“And you always drop everything to go to him,” she continued quietly. “Before we remarried, I had thought that maybe he had feelings for you but I hadn’t realized that you returned them.”
Danny opened his mouth to deny it but he couldn’t. “I’ve been faithful.”
“Oh Danny, I don’t doubt that.” Rachel said softly. “But you do have feelings for him?”
“Yes,” he answered in a whisper.
“Do you love him?” She asked.
He could see the pain in her eyes but he also saw sympathy. It was the sympathy that made him answer. “Yes.”
“So why are we here?” She asked waving her hand to encompass the two of them and the house.
“I wanted my family back.” Danny said. He paused for a moment before continuing. “And I was scared.”
“And now?” Rachel asked gently.
“I don’t know, Rachel.” Danny said rubbing tiredly at his temples. “It’s all a mess. I don’t want Grace to go through another divorce.”
“And I don’t want her growing up with miserable parents in a loveless marriage.” Rachel said bluntly. “We’re her example for happiness and I won’t have that.”
“So you want a divorce.” Danny said dully. He felt like the ground was dropping out from under him. First Steve was leaving and now he was losing Grace again. “I don’t want to lose Grace.”
“This marriage isn’t working.” Rachel pointed out. “And it never will if you’re in love with someone else...if you’re gay.”
There it was, the word. Gay. Was he gay? He was in love with a man. Did that make him gay? Did the difference between being gay or bisexual really matter if the person he wanted to be with was a man? This was why he’d panicked before. He’d spent his whole life seeking the perfect family, trying to make his parents proud, and his relationship with Steve had completely thrown him off balance. He loved Rachel, he knew that, but he was starting to realize that he had never been in love with her. He had been in love with the idea of her, the idea of a perfect marriage with a perfect family and so it was no wonder that it had fallen apart. Twice.
“It doesn’t have to be like last time.” Rachel said softly when he didn’t respond. “She’s older now. Maybe we can work out a different custody arrangement. Give you more time.”
“You would do that?” Danny asked in surprise.
“I don’t want to take her from you.” Rachel said shaking her head. “I never did, not really. I was just scared and angry.”
“Thank you.” Danny reached out to take Rachel’s hand in his.
She squeezed his hand before pulling back. “Now, you should go find Steve.”
“What?” Danny asked confused. Was his wife really pushing him toward another man?
“If you love that man, if being with him would make you happy, you owe it to yourself, and Grace, to make it work.” Rachel said. “Or are you really that big of a coward, Detective Williams?”
“I’m not any kind of coward.” Danny said standing up. “But are you sure about this?”
“It all kind of makes sense.” Rachel nodded. “I just wish you hadn’t waited a year to tell me.”
“I am sorry to put you through this.” Danny said sincerely before turning to leave the house. Hopefully there was still time to stop Steve from leaving.
The drive to Steve’s house was the longest twenty minutes of his life. It was all that he could do not to hit the lights and put on the sirens. Somehow he didn’t think that, no matter how liberally they applied it, immunity and means was intended to cover that. But despite how eager he was to see Steve, to make things right, a large part of him was tempted to make a u-turn, go home, and tell Rachel that he was wrong. It had all been a horrible mistake. But he knew that he had to do it, that he would never forgive himself if he didn’t. When he finally reached Steve’s house, Danny’s stomach was twisted with nerves. It had been a long time since he’d had butterflies and now it seemed like he had a whole garden full of them taking up residence. He was afraid that it was too late. That he’d waited too long to make things okay. But he had to try.
He didn’t bother knocking as he entered the house. “Steve?”
“In the office.” Steve called.
As he made his way through the house, Danny passed an overstuffed duffel bag laying next to the staircase. The sight of the bag made his heart clench and he picked up his pace.
“What is it?” Steve was standing behind his desk when Danny reached the doorway.
Danny paused to stare at Steve. He looked better than Danny had seen him in months. He seemed alert and focused, and most importantly, his shoulders didn’t slump anymore. He looked almost like Steve again. The last thing that Danny wanted to do was hurt him again, but it was too late to back out. He had to tell Steve the truth, he couldn’t let him leave thinking that he didn’t love him.
“I lied,” Danny blurted, entering the room. “About everything.”
“What do you mean?” Steve asked his brow wrinkling in confusion.
“I do love you.” Danny said, beginning to pace in front of the desk. “So much that it scares me.”
Steve clenched his fists and lowered his eyes. “What about Rachel? And Grace?”
“We’re divorcing again.” Danny said, walking around to stand next to Steve.
“But they’re your family.” Steve said quietly.
“Yes.” Danny agreed, reaching out to place his hand over Steve’s clenched fist. “But so are you.”
Steve finally looked at Danny with haunted eyes. “I can’t keep doing this.”
“This is it.” Danny said with conviction. “I know what I want. I want you. I love you.”
Steve relaxed his hand, allowing Danny to twine their fingers together. “You know how I feel about you, but I still can’t do this.”
“Sure you can.” Danny said, fighting down the developing panic. “Just don’t re-enlist and we’ll figure things out.”
Steve shook his head. “No, I have to go. I’ve already made plans.”
“So unmake them.” Danny said, his voice rising.
“You know it’s not that simple.” Steve said sadly. “I wouldn’t pull out even if I could. There are a lot of things that I need to fix about myself.”
“So fix them here.” Danny said. “I still have the number for that therapist.”
“Danny, the Navy is who I am. I found myself there once and I will again.”
Danny wanted to argue, to yell and rant. He wanted to make Steve stay but he couldn’t. Not when he knew that Steve was right. If they tried to start a relationship right now it wouldn’t work for either of them. Steve needed to find himself and Danny would be going through a divorce. Grace would need all of his attention for a while.
“I’ll wait for you.” Danny said quietly.
“It’ll be a year.” Steve said. “That’s a long time.”
“I’ll wait.” Danny repeated firmly. “This time I’m not going anywhere.”
“Okay.” Steve said, but Danny could tell that he didn’t really believe it. It didn’t matter though because Danny would show him. Danny cupped the back of Steve’s head with his free hand and brought their foreheads together.
“You’ll see. I’ll be here.” He whispered before brushing his lips against Steve’s.
It started as a chaste kiss, was meant to be a chaste kiss, but Steve was like a starving man. He dropped Danny’s hand and wrapped his arms around Danny’s waist pulling him close. Danny moaned at the contact and pulled at Steve’s shirt. He wanted more, needed to feel Steve’s skin against his own.
Steve stepped back for long enough to take off his shirt and throw it to the side before recapturing Danny’s lips with his own. Danny trailed his hands up and down Steve’s back enjoying the feel of the smooth skin underneath his fingers. He wanted to explore every inch of Steve’s skin but was quickly distracted by Steve’s leg pressing between his, brushing against his growing erection. The touch was almost more than Danny could stand and at the same time it wasn’t enough.
He moaned and pressed forward desperate for more contact. Steve obliged him, moving his leg back and forth against Danny’s straining erection. In the process, Danny felt Steve’s own hard length pressed against his hip and he lost what little control he had left. He quickly unzipped Steve’s pants and pushed them and his boxers down over his hips in one smooth motion. Steve’s cock sprung free and he grabbed it in a tight grip. Danny rubbed his thumb over the tip, spreading the glistening precome down the length as he began to stroke.
Steve leaned forward to rest his head against Danny’s shoulder, his face pressed against Danny’s neck. With each sure stroke of Danny’s hand, Steve let out a gasp, nearly whimpering at the pleasure. After a few minutes, Danny felt Steve’s hips begin to thrust forward to match his strokes and he knew that it wouldn’t be long. Danny decided to change it up and twisted his hand which caused Steve to go rigid and bite down hard on his neck as streams of hot, sticky come spurted out all over Danny’s hand and shirt.
Danny winced at the bite, but kept stroking gently until Steve went limp and relaxed in his arms. He held Steve for a moment before stepping back and grabbing a tissue from the desk to clean up. He raised his hand to his neck, relieved that there was no blood, and fixed Steve with a frown. “You didn’t have to bite.”
“Sorry.” Steve said a bit sheepishly. “How can I make it up to you?”
Danny laughed at the look on Steve’s face. “I’m sure you’ll find a way, Babe.”
“Did I ever tell you I don’t have a gag reflex?” Steve asked, his eyes twinkling mischievously.
Danny swallowed hard as Steve slowly slid to his knees in front of him and began to unfasten his pants. “Just try not to bite this time, huh?”
Steve grinned up at him before swallowing Danny’s entire cock in one motion, causing all thoughts to leave his brain.
**
Every minute that Steve spent under a bush in some godforsaken corner of Afghanistan he wondered if he had done the right thing. He wondered if maybe he should have stayed in Hawaii with Danny instead of signing up for long nights with little sleep, tracking high ranking members of Al Qaeda and the Taliban. But even though he wished he could go home, he didn’t regret his decision. As much as he loved Danny he refused to build a life where that was the only thing that gave him worth. Here, with the SEALs, leading his team, he found meaning again. He regained a sense of self-worth that he had been lacking for a long time. And thankfully, after nearly a year he felt like he could transfer that self-worth back into a civilian life.
The past year had flown by. He was used to the military life and it kept him busy. He knew that it had been harder on Danny, that the family waiting at home always had it harder than the soldier. There was always the fear that their loved one wouldn’t come home, of not knowing where they were or what they were doing. So Steve had tried his best to stay in contact with Danny. Whenever his missions took him through a base he would email or call, relishing each moment that he could hear Danny’s voice. He loved hearing Danny lecture him about being careful, because it meant that Danny really did care.
Steve could close his eyes and block out everything around him as he listened to Danny nag him about wearing dry socks or complain about how Kono had picked up all of his bad habits and would he believe that she had dangled a man off a roof just last week. Steve didn’t really care what Danny said as long as he could hear his voice. In his mind’s eye he could see him gesturing emphatically as he spoke, all of Danny’s mannerisms as familiar to him as his own. And because he knew Danny so well, he heard what he wasn’t saying. No matter what the words were, his tone said, “I miss you.”
He hated to admit it now, but when he first left all those months ago he thought that Danny wouldn’t wait. After everything that had happened, he didn’t believe that Danny’s declaration of love was real. He half expected to receive a Dear John letter partway through his tour, explaining that Danny had found someone else, or even worse that he had reconciled with Rachel, but that never happened. In fact, Danny had taken their undefined relationship a step further this time and told not only Rachel and Grace, but also Chin and Kono about it. He’d even told his sisters, although he said that he wasn’t ready to come out to his parents yet. Apparently Danny had been going through his own period of self discovery this year as well.
And now, the year was almost over. He was out of combat and all he had left to do was a series of debriefings at the base in Japan, as well as spend some time preparing his replacement. It was only a matter of weeks before he would be home and finally able to start his new life.
**
Danny’s foot was jiggling uncontrollably as he sat in the hard plastic seat at baggage claim. It had been one year and two weeks since he had last seen Steve. Three hundred and seventy-nine days since he had last touched him. Unfortunately, Steve’s flight from Japan had been delayed twice and he was starting to regret turning down Rachel’s offer to come along.
It was amazing how far he and Rachel had come in a year. The divorce had been smooth this time. There had been no major disagreements which meant there had been no need for lawyers. They had filed the paperwork at the courthouse, paid a couple hundred dollars, and moved on. It had been hard on Grace at first, but when she saw that her parents weren’t fighting this time, she had adjusted fairly well.
Danny had moved out, back into a cheap apartment, and Rachel kept the house. Their new custody agreement let him have Grace every weekend but he got to see her even more than that because somehow he and Rachel had become friends. Not friends who were in love with each other or exes who managed to get along, but close friends who leaned on each other and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. Several months after the divorce, Rachel had told him that if she had realized that he was gay years ago, it would have helped explain a lot of things. She would have been able to deal with the dissolution of their first marriage a lot more maturely. Of course, Danny had pointed out that it had taken him a long time to acknowledge that he was gay, and during their first marriage he had been nowhere near that realization. Even all these years later, it had taken a long time to realize that it was more than just an attraction to Steve and that he had been living in a lot of denial for a long time.
He glanced up at the screen and was relieved to find that there hadn’t been another delay. He didn’t know how much longer he could wait. A year had been miserable enough, but these last few days waiting for Steve to finish tying up loose ends in Japan had been excruciating. Even still, Danny knew he was lucky, because the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell had finally been implemented which meant that he and Steve had managed to stay in touch through emails and the occasional phone call. He didn’t think that he could have survived the separation if Steve had had to avoid all contact with him.
Steve’s emails were a lifeline; without them Danny would have panicked. Steve couldn’t tell him about his missions or where he was but just getting the emails meant that he was alive. The phone calls were even better. Danny would close his eyes and for a few minutes at least he could pretend that Steve was in the room with him. Steve always sounded tired and he could tell that the service was putting a strain on him. He knew that there would be new nightmares and new issues to work through when he got home, but Danny could also tell that he was becoming more himself. He was the confident, focused man with the dry sense of humor that Danny had first met, before he had spiraled down into depression. And despite how hard the past year had been, Danny would do it all over because it had made Steve whole again.
Danny was so lost in thought that he nearly missed the arrival announcement. When he noticed people coming through the gate, he stood up and tried to look over the gathered crowd. It was times like this that he hated being short. He moved around to the front and finally, finally, saw Steve. He was standing near the baggage claim, his eyes roving the crowd. He stood straight, his shoulders squared and his head held high. And he looked sharp, his uniform still starched to perfection even after the long flight. Danny stood in shock for a moment, mesmerized. He had a brief flashback to the first time he’d seen Steve in uniform at Kono’s graduation and then again at Meka’s funeral. Both times he hadn’t been able to look away and this time was no different.
“Danny!” Steve called, having caught sight of him.
Hearing Steve’s voice broke him out of his thoughts. He rushed forward and grabbed Steve roughly, pulling him into a tight embrace, glad to finally be touching him, needing to know he was real. Steve returned the embrace holding him close for a moment before pulling back just enough to capture Danny’s lips with his own. The kiss was gentle, both of them aware they were in public, but it was a promise of more to come.
After a moment they broke apart and just stared at each other. Danny’s eyes roved over every inch of Steve, trying to make sure that he was all there, that he hadn’t been hurt.
“I’m fine.” Steve said with a smile when he realized what Danny was doing.
“Fine, huh?” Danny said. “I remember you said that once after being stabbed in the side.”
“I was fine.” Steve protested. “Barely a scratch.”
“A scratch!” Danny exclaimed, throwing his hands up in disgust. “It nicked your spleen.”
“The spleen is an overrated organ.” Steve said with a shrug as he started to walk toward the exit. “You can live without it.”
“I don’t care if you can live without it.” Danny argued, pointing his finger at Steve accusingly. “God put it there for a reason and you should take better care of it.”
Steve laughed and reached out with his hand to capture the one that Danny was pointing in his face. He pulled it down between them and held it clasped in his. “I didn’t get stabbed or shot. I was careful.”
Danny was momentarily distracted by the feel of Steve’s hand, large and warm enveloping his own. He turned his hand to entwine their fingers together and stared at their joined hands before turning back to look at Steve. “That’s a first.”
“I’m always careful.” Steve said in mock offense.
Danny opened his mouth to respond, intending to continue the playful banter, but he changed his mind. “I’m glad you’re home.”
“Me too.” Steve said as they walked out of the airport hand in hand, finally ready to face the world together.
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Date: 2011-03-30 08:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-31 05:53 am (UTC)