H50 Fic - Come to Life (Steve/Danny)
Mar. 15th, 2011 11:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shinysylverTitle: Come to Life
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
shinysylver
Pairing: Steve/Danny
Word Count: 1669
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don't own Hawaii Five-0.
Summary: Steve has to confront some things about himself.
Warning: Some questionable use of prescribed pain killers.
Spoilers: none
Author's Note: This is for my H50 prompt table in the![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
h50_50 Community. The prompt was NUMB. My prompt table can be found here: Sensational Sensations. All the prompts in this table will comprise the Soulmate 'Verse. There is a main arc and a few other more stand alone entries. If you want to see the order they go in I am keeping track here.
Author's Note: This story immediately follows Choices but we are back in Steve's perspective. This one was very hard to write. Trying to get Steve's internal voice(s) right just about killed me. I hope you all think it works.
“I feel numb
I can’t come to life”
~World So Cold~
Three Days Grace
I am in love with you. Does that matter at all?
It had been hours since Danny had left but his words still echoed in Steve’s head on endless repeat. Steve closed his eyes but he couldn’t block out the image of Danny yelling them. Who did that? Who yelled their love in anger? Was that even love? How could it be? And then there was the traitorous whisper that he tried to ignore that wondered what Danny could possibly find to love.
Steve stared at the button that operated the morphine drip. He wasn’t usually the sort of person who used pain killers. Normally he resisted taking any drugs that dulled his senses, but he couldn’t bear to feel anything right now. He wanted to still his thoughts. Steve just wanted to be numb. After a moment of hesitation he pressed the button, telling himself that it was okay because his shoulder did hurt. And if he really was in physical pain then why not use it? Never mind that the pain wasn't bad enough to warrant the morphine. At the moment he didn’t really care.
Steve watched the drug drip slowly into the IV, before making its way into his veins. The effects came on quickly and before long his body began to feel extremely heavy. He lay back against the pillows, but it felt as though he was still sinking. It was almost like he was slowly sinking underwater. It was a rather pleasant feeling for a man who had spent a large part of his life in the water. As he lay there floating, his mind started to get fuzzy and his thoughts returned to the jungle.
He found himself hoping that the drug would give him the same sort of peace that he had found under that tree. Steve was hoping that it would return him to that blessed darkness he’d found, the place with no pain and no worries. Of course, he realized that desire was bordering on dangerous, but he just didn’t care. He had been carrying around so much pain, so much worry, and so much responsibility for so long and he was tired, so very tired. He had almost cleared his mind and found an internal silence when it was rudely breeched by the voice that had been haunting him for weeks now.
Coward. The Danny-voice in his mind whispered.
“Not a coward.” Steve mumbled thickly. The morphine making his mouth feel slow and disconnected from his body.
The big, bad SEAL is afraid of a few little emotions. Sounds like a coward to me. The Danny-voice scoffed.
“Not afraid.” Steve whispered in response.
Bullshit. The Danny-voice said.
“I’m not.” Steve muttered.
Right. The voice was sarcastic now. Then why are you running?
Even through the drug haze, Steve didn’t appreciate his subconscious mocking him with sarcasm. It just didn’t seem right.
“Not running.” Steve whispered, but even he didn’t believe his words.
What do you call this then? The voice sounded curious now as if it really did wonder what Steve thought he was doing.
"Rest." Steve answered.
So your idea of rest is a drugged stupor and borderline suicidal thoughts? The Danny-voice asked angrily. That's pretty fucked up. Have you ever thought about, oh I don't know, dealing with all this shit?
"I deal." Steve said defensively.
Not well. You push everyone away and go on kamikaze vengeance missions. How is that dealing? How is that living? The voice asked in frustration. Steve idly thought that it was a pretty bad sign if he managed to piss himself off this much. It seems to me that you’d have plenty of things to live for if you weren't such an idiot.
Steve didn't respond. He didn't know how to respond. He knew he was screwed up but it had always worked for him—until recently at least.
I hope your silence signifies deep reflection and agreement. The Danny-voice said. It was the last thing Steve heard before he drifted off to sleep.
**
The next morning Steve woke to a renewed throbbing in his shoulder. For a moment he considered activating the drip again but thought better of it. He remembered his conversation with himself last night and would prefer not to have any repeat performances.
Steve frowned, thinking about last night. He wasn’t a coward. Steve McGarrett didn’t back down from anything, no matter how terrifying, and he certainly wasn’t going to start now. It was long past time for him to confront some things. He just wished that it was the type of confrontation that involved guns and grenades, maybe even a Molotov cocktail or two. That would be a whole lot easier than dealing with all of this emotional crap. Steve knew that he wasn’t good with emotions but he’d be damned if he was afraid of them. Danny was the one who was good with emotions. He always wore them on his sleeves. Hell, he'd told Steve he loved him—twice—and Steve didn't even know what that kind of love was.
Steve closed his eyes. He honestly couldn’t understand why Danny would feel that way about him. He wanted to dismiss it as a manipulation, a way for Danny to get Steve to do what he wanted but he couldn't. One of the few unshakeable truths of his life was that he trusted Danny and Steve knew that he would never mislead him or manipulate him. Not like that. So that meant that Danny really did love him. For the first time, Steve allowed himself to really embrace the idea. The thought of being loved by Danny both terrified him and made him feel a surprising warmth spreading through his chest.
Steve had never been in love before. He’d never even considered it because he'd never thought it was possible for him. He'd had friends and lovers and until now that had always been enough. But he had realized a long time ago that Danny was more than that. He was family, he and Grace both. But was that love? And if it was what did that mean? Steve was never going to be the kind of man who had a white picket fence and 2.5 children. And heaven forbid he ever own a minivan.
Steve wasn’t the type to settle down but he figured that Danny had already figured that out. Of course Danny wasn't exactly the minivan type either. In fact the idea of him showing up for work in one was almost enough to make Steve laugh. He guessed that what really mattered was that it seemed like for the most part Danny accepted him. He bitched about things but Steve knew better than to take that seriously.The only major sticking point was Wo Fat.
How was Steve supposed to let that go? Wo Fat was responsible for the deaths of both of his parents. He was responsible for Steve and Mary being sent to the mainland. He was why Steve was in the Navy. All of his life had been shaped by Wo Fat. Surely he should pay for taking everything away. But at the same time he was starting to realize that maybe all he was doing was letting Wo Fat win. When terrorists struck you didn't change your life because that would be allowing them to win and maybe by giving up so much in pursuit of Wo Fat he was letting Wo Fat shape his life one last time.
He also couldn’t deny that his time in the jungle had made him second guess his priorities. When he was lying under that tree with no hope left, he had accepted his death. It had been a surprisingly peaceful moment. He hadn't been upset, angry, or even sad at the thought of dying, but he had wanted to see Danny. In fact the only thing that he cared about in that moment was Danny. Nothing else had mattered. Was that love? Steve wasn’t sure but it he knew it was important. It was important enough that it seemed like something he should tell Danny.
Danny had told him to call when he’d made a decision. Had he? He wanted to be with Danny, he couldn’t deny that but could he really drop the search for Wo Fat? He’d spent so many years chasing Victor Hesse with single minded determination even before it had become personal. He had always been a good sailor and a good SEAL because of his laser focused determination and devotion to the mission. Could he change that about himself? Steve honestly didn’t know.
Steve felt a twisting in his stomach and a tightening in his chest. He might not know if he could change and be what Danny wanted but he did know that he had to hear Danny's voice right now. So before he could second guess his decision, Steve grabbed his cell phone off the bedside table and dialed Danny's number.
“Hello?” Danny answered hesitantly after two rings.
“I don’t know what you want from me.” Steve said, not wanting to beat around the bush. “And I don't know if I can be what you want. But when I realized I was dying out there you were the only thing I cared about. Seeing you was the only thing that mattered.”
The line was silent for long enough that Steve began worry. He took a deep breath. "I just thought you should know that."
Danny finally responded, his voice rough. “Thank you."
"Well," Steve said suddenly shy, which was ridiculous because he had been sleeping with Danny for months. "I guess I'll talk to you later."
"Yes." Danny said his voice quiet and thoughtful. "I'll see you soon, Steve."
Steve hung up the phone. Despite his injuries, he felt better than he had in weeks. Maybe this whole living thing wouldn’t be so bad after all.
Author:
shinysylverPairing: Steve/Danny
Word Count: 1669
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don't own Hawaii Five-0.
Summary: Steve has to confront some things about himself.
Warning: Some questionable use of prescribed pain killers.
Spoilers: none
Author's Note: This is for my H50 prompt table in the
h50_50 Community. The prompt was NUMB. My prompt table can be found here: Sensational Sensations. All the prompts in this table will comprise the Soulmate 'Verse. There is a main arc and a few other more stand alone entries. If you want to see the order they go in I am keeping track here.Author's Note: This story immediately follows Choices but we are back in Steve's perspective. This one was very hard to write. Trying to get Steve's internal voice(s) right just about killed me. I hope you all think it works.
I can’t come to life”
~World So Cold~
Three Days Grace
I am in love with you. Does that matter at all?
It had been hours since Danny had left but his words still echoed in Steve’s head on endless repeat. Steve closed his eyes but he couldn’t block out the image of Danny yelling them. Who did that? Who yelled their love in anger? Was that even love? How could it be? And then there was the traitorous whisper that he tried to ignore that wondered what Danny could possibly find to love.
Steve stared at the button that operated the morphine drip. He wasn’t usually the sort of person who used pain killers. Normally he resisted taking any drugs that dulled his senses, but he couldn’t bear to feel anything right now. He wanted to still his thoughts. Steve just wanted to be numb. After a moment of hesitation he pressed the button, telling himself that it was okay because his shoulder did hurt. And if he really was in physical pain then why not use it? Never mind that the pain wasn't bad enough to warrant the morphine. At the moment he didn’t really care.
Steve watched the drug drip slowly into the IV, before making its way into his veins. The effects came on quickly and before long his body began to feel extremely heavy. He lay back against the pillows, but it felt as though he was still sinking. It was almost like he was slowly sinking underwater. It was a rather pleasant feeling for a man who had spent a large part of his life in the water. As he lay there floating, his mind started to get fuzzy and his thoughts returned to the jungle.
He found himself hoping that the drug would give him the same sort of peace that he had found under that tree. Steve was hoping that it would return him to that blessed darkness he’d found, the place with no pain and no worries. Of course, he realized that desire was bordering on dangerous, but he just didn’t care. He had been carrying around so much pain, so much worry, and so much responsibility for so long and he was tired, so very tired. He had almost cleared his mind and found an internal silence when it was rudely breeched by the voice that had been haunting him for weeks now.
Coward. The Danny-voice in his mind whispered.
“Not a coward.” Steve mumbled thickly. The morphine making his mouth feel slow and disconnected from his body.
The big, bad SEAL is afraid of a few little emotions. Sounds like a coward to me. The Danny-voice scoffed.
“Not afraid.” Steve whispered in response.
Bullshit. The Danny-voice said.
“I’m not.” Steve muttered.
Right. The voice was sarcastic now. Then why are you running?
Even through the drug haze, Steve didn’t appreciate his subconscious mocking him with sarcasm. It just didn’t seem right.
“Not running.” Steve whispered, but even he didn’t believe his words.
What do you call this then? The voice sounded curious now as if it really did wonder what Steve thought he was doing.
"Rest." Steve answered.
So your idea of rest is a drugged stupor and borderline suicidal thoughts? The Danny-voice asked angrily. That's pretty fucked up. Have you ever thought about, oh I don't know, dealing with all this shit?
"I deal." Steve said defensively.
Not well. You push everyone away and go on kamikaze vengeance missions. How is that dealing? How is that living? The voice asked in frustration. Steve idly thought that it was a pretty bad sign if he managed to piss himself off this much. It seems to me that you’d have plenty of things to live for if you weren't such an idiot.
Steve didn't respond. He didn't know how to respond. He knew he was screwed up but it had always worked for him—until recently at least.
I hope your silence signifies deep reflection and agreement. The Danny-voice said. It was the last thing Steve heard before he drifted off to sleep.
**
The next morning Steve woke to a renewed throbbing in his shoulder. For a moment he considered activating the drip again but thought better of it. He remembered his conversation with himself last night and would prefer not to have any repeat performances.
Steve frowned, thinking about last night. He wasn’t a coward. Steve McGarrett didn’t back down from anything, no matter how terrifying, and he certainly wasn’t going to start now. It was long past time for him to confront some things. He just wished that it was the type of confrontation that involved guns and grenades, maybe even a Molotov cocktail or two. That would be a whole lot easier than dealing with all of this emotional crap. Steve knew that he wasn’t good with emotions but he’d be damned if he was afraid of them. Danny was the one who was good with emotions. He always wore them on his sleeves. Hell, he'd told Steve he loved him—twice—and Steve didn't even know what that kind of love was.
Steve closed his eyes. He honestly couldn’t understand why Danny would feel that way about him. He wanted to dismiss it as a manipulation, a way for Danny to get Steve to do what he wanted but he couldn't. One of the few unshakeable truths of his life was that he trusted Danny and Steve knew that he would never mislead him or manipulate him. Not like that. So that meant that Danny really did love him. For the first time, Steve allowed himself to really embrace the idea. The thought of being loved by Danny both terrified him and made him feel a surprising warmth spreading through his chest.
Steve had never been in love before. He’d never even considered it because he'd never thought it was possible for him. He'd had friends and lovers and until now that had always been enough. But he had realized a long time ago that Danny was more than that. He was family, he and Grace both. But was that love? And if it was what did that mean? Steve was never going to be the kind of man who had a white picket fence and 2.5 children. And heaven forbid he ever own a minivan.
Steve wasn’t the type to settle down but he figured that Danny had already figured that out. Of course Danny wasn't exactly the minivan type either. In fact the idea of him showing up for work in one was almost enough to make Steve laugh. He guessed that what really mattered was that it seemed like for the most part Danny accepted him. He bitched about things but Steve knew better than to take that seriously.The only major sticking point was Wo Fat.
How was Steve supposed to let that go? Wo Fat was responsible for the deaths of both of his parents. He was responsible for Steve and Mary being sent to the mainland. He was why Steve was in the Navy. All of his life had been shaped by Wo Fat. Surely he should pay for taking everything away. But at the same time he was starting to realize that maybe all he was doing was letting Wo Fat win. When terrorists struck you didn't change your life because that would be allowing them to win and maybe by giving up so much in pursuit of Wo Fat he was letting Wo Fat shape his life one last time.
He also couldn’t deny that his time in the jungle had made him second guess his priorities. When he was lying under that tree with no hope left, he had accepted his death. It had been a surprisingly peaceful moment. He hadn't been upset, angry, or even sad at the thought of dying, but he had wanted to see Danny. In fact the only thing that he cared about in that moment was Danny. Nothing else had mattered. Was that love? Steve wasn’t sure but it he knew it was important. It was important enough that it seemed like something he should tell Danny.
Danny had told him to call when he’d made a decision. Had he? He wanted to be with Danny, he couldn’t deny that but could he really drop the search for Wo Fat? He’d spent so many years chasing Victor Hesse with single minded determination even before it had become personal. He had always been a good sailor and a good SEAL because of his laser focused determination and devotion to the mission. Could he change that about himself? Steve honestly didn’t know.
Steve felt a twisting in his stomach and a tightening in his chest. He might not know if he could change and be what Danny wanted but he did know that he had to hear Danny's voice right now. So before he could second guess his decision, Steve grabbed his cell phone off the bedside table and dialed Danny's number.
“Hello?” Danny answered hesitantly after two rings.
“I don’t know what you want from me.” Steve said, not wanting to beat around the bush. “And I don't know if I can be what you want. But when I realized I was dying out there you were the only thing I cared about. Seeing you was the only thing that mattered.”
The line was silent for long enough that Steve began worry. He took a deep breath. "I just thought you should know that."
Danny finally responded, his voice rough. “Thank you."
"Well," Steve said suddenly shy, which was ridiculous because he had been sleeping with Danny for months. "I guess I'll talk to you later."
"Yes." Danny said his voice quiet and thoughtful. "I'll see you soon, Steve."
Steve hung up the phone. Despite his injuries, he felt better than he had in weeks. Maybe this whole living thing wouldn’t be so bad after all.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 04:44 am (UTC)I love this and hate it (the pain, not your writing) for being so heartwrenching. Good job on the emotions!
no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 05:29 am (UTC)I'm glad that you are enjoying the heart wrenching angst. :D Don't worry, it seems like they are getting somewhere.
I'm relieved that you think the emotions worked because this was a really difficult installment to write.
Thanks for reading and reviewing!
no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 04:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 05:34 am (UTC)Thanks for reading and reviewing!
no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 06:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 02:06 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading and reviewing!
no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 07:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 02:09 pm (UTC)I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reviewing!
BTW, I love your icon and it is so appropriate here. Although there needs to be an h50 version stat.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-17 06:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-17 07:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-17 09:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 11:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 02:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 12:33 pm (UTC)Good for Steve for realizing that his mad pursuit of vengeance against Wo Fat was ruining his life and that he does want to be with Danny.
I also liked learning that despite being massively hot, Steve does have some self-doubt regarding his ability to love and be loved--definitely makes him more human.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 02:15 pm (UTC)Mmmm...massively hot. :D Anyway...back to the point.
Steve does have some self-doubt regarding his ability to love and be loved--definitely makes him more human.
I'm glad you liked that development. I figured that his mother dying and then being shipped off from home right after had to do a number on him. And a career tracking criminals around the earth can't have helped.
Thank you for faithfully reading and reviewing!
The story "come to Life"
Date: 2011-03-16 01:01 pm (UTC)marypierce2000@yahoo.com
Re: The story "come to Life"
Date: 2011-03-16 02:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 08:37 pm (UTC)to say that I love it, doesn't do justice ^_^
I really love your writing and I can't wait to read more. I want some hot sex now LOL no seriously, with all the emotions, I need some porn. Please let them kiss and make up, I don't know how much more I can take if they don't.
I have to agree with Danny that the hospitals are way too cold.
The conversation that Steve had with himself was priceless!
I can't wait to read more, please tell me that there is more =D
no subject
Date: 2011-03-17 04:35 am (UTC)I am a bit emotionally wiped after this one.
The conversation that Steve had with himself was priceless!
I'm glad you liked it! That was hard to write.
I can't wait to read more, please tell me that there is more =D
No worries. There will be more and I expect there will even be porn at some point. I just have to clear my head after this one before I do the next one.
I just want to say again how much I appreciated you commenting on each installment today. It really brightened my day to check my phone and see your comments. I'm glad you are enjoying them and hope that you continue to in the future. :D
no subject
Date: 2011-03-17 02:23 am (UTC)I don’t know what you want from me.” Steve said, not wanting to beat around the bush. “And I don't know if I can be what you want. But when I realized I was dying out there you were the only thing I cared about. Seeing you was the only thing that mattered.”
so hard to watch them struggle -
so nice of you to give us a front row seat!!!!
no subject
Date: 2011-03-17 04:38 am (UTC)I figured that line was pretty damn close to "I love you." I'm glad you liked it. It gave me some warm fuzzies when I wrote it too. :D
so hard to watch them struggle -
so nice of you to give us a front row seat!!!!
LOL! I'm so glad you are enjoying my emotional torture. ;)
I'm glad you are enjoying it and thanks for reviewing!
no subject
Date: 2011-03-17 12:44 pm (UTC)love it to tiny bits I do and I hope there will be more.....;)
no subject
Date: 2011-03-18 04:07 am (UTC)Don't worry there will be more. :D
Thanks for reading and reviewing!
no subject
Date: 2011-05-23 07:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-26 04:15 am (UTC)Thanks for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
no subject
Date: 2011-09-28 11:34 am (UTC)Make this better, Steve!
no subject
Date: 2011-10-03 08:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-05 09:03 am (UTC)