Staring Into the Abyss

Over my time in fandom I feel as though I have grown not just as an author but as a person. I have repeatedly tried to put myself into other people's shoes in as respectful and authentic way as I can through my writing. I also have learned things about myself that I did not realize in the process.

I have recently been thinking about that ever present debate in fandom about warnings and triggers. I always try to be respectful in my headers and include accurate information for people who need to know it, however I am growing increasingly uncomfortable with the usage of the word "warning" to do so.

While participating in kink_bingo I wrote a lot of things that I felt people needed to know about before reading the work. I was not intending to in anyway make a judgement call about the kinks by listing some of them in the warning field. For example, I felt that people should know a fic contains breathplay or bloodplay because it can be triggering for many people, but putting it in the warning section felt a bit off. I did it anyway though.

I won't anymore. From now on anything in my fic that I feel the reader needs to know before hand will be in "content notes." If a comm makes me use a "warning" line then I will put AO3 style warnings there and all other information in "content notes."

This is something that has been bothering me for a while, because, you see, I have had to deal with feeling as though my kinks are shameful and I don't want other people to feel the same from me.

I think a lot of people don't even realize they are doing it. For example, I like some watersports fic. I am not ashamed of this and I don't find it gross, but every time people sign up for exchanges they say things like "no gross kinks like watersports." Well I'm sorry, I don't find watersports gross, but thank you for making me feel bad for that. Also, I certainly won't be requesting it now. Sometimes people are so vague they say "no heavy kinks" or even "use your judgment." Well, I don't know what you consider heavy but that is so vague that I have no clue what you want and using my judgment watersports is fine but D/s is something that I am very, very cautious of, yet I find that in general people feel differently.

Basically, a specific listing of your dislikes would be more appropriate than just saying "gross" or "heavy." It would make it easier for your author to write for you, make it less likely you get something you don't like, and make it so that other people don't feel singled out.

I make no secret of the fact that I read a lot of kink fic. Sometimes I read it because it is my kink and sometimes I read it just because I find that kink fic can provide a lot of fascinating character studies. Unfortunately, I have found that many people who comment on kink fic do not do it in a respectful way. For example I have read scat fic before, then when I go to the comments I inevitably see a lot of this:

"This is so gross, but I like the way you made them support each other."

Why was that first part necessary? Why do you have to start off a comment making sure that the whole world knows you don't find this hot? It's happened in the comments of my fic too. People want to make sure everyone knows they aren't "freaky" enough to actually like the kink, but what about the people that do?

I guess what I'm saying is to please take care when you are dealing with kinks. Just because you don't understand it doesn't make it wrong or shameful and just because it isn't your thing doesn't mean you need to say so.

It's not by any means perfect but this is a comment that I recently left on a scat fic:

"I like the trust that you show here. The fact that Tony is willing to leave his comfort zone for Steve says so much about their relationship. The real secret to writing any kinks is to find the emotional connection between the characters and to respect the kink and I really felt that you succeeded beautifully here. :)"

Whether or not I am into coprophilia or not doesn't matter. It doesn't matter when I comment or when I talk about it here. The fact is that someone who is into it will decide never to write more fic or comment on other fic after reading fifteen other people say that their kink is gross, dirty, wrong, shameful, weird, whatever.

Okay, I suppose I will step down off my soapbox, now. Have any of you encountered this? Do any of you consider this sort of thing when you comment or warn? Have you ever felt like others were judging your kinks?